April 5, 2011

The Dream
In Hawaii? Or just at a beach. Sitting with Emily on my left and Yubo on my right. She brought up something he said to her that had embarrassed her. He got up and walked around to her to repeat what he said. When I turned to look, he was sitting behind he with his arms around her, whispering into the back of her neck. I got up and stormed into the water. Someone called after me. I sat in the water and let the small waves crash into me. Then I realized I was just in my bikini bottoms, no top.

Then we were at home, but they were in bed cuddling. I went into the bathroom to try to get away from it. Yubo knocked, asking if what he was holding were my pants. She said, "Hey!" from the bed, in playful objection. I called out that it didn't matter, as long as they both stayed fully clothed.

When I came out, they were snuggling again. I repeated that as long as they stayed clothed, I was ok. I walked to my side, grabbed a pillow, and "offered" it to her by throwing it in her face. As I walked past the foot of the bed, I couldn't take it. I grabbed the bottom of the blanket and pulled, begging them to stop.

I asked Yubo why he would choose her over me. Then I noticed myself, and said, "This is why." And he nodded.

At Emily, I said, "I have known him for so many years. We've loved each other all this time. And then you come along, and he turns his head. When I look at you, I see everything that's better than I am." ...or something like that.

There were some nonsensical bits in there that I don't remember clearly enough to write down.

My Thoughts
I woke up with a tight chest, and it was difficult to breathe. When I finally calmed down a bit, I rolled over and placed my hand on Yubo's cheek. I was fine until he woke up and looked at me. Then I just started crying. Why am I having these dreams? And why is it her??

If you read that previous dream, you might be able to imagine some understanding of my reaction when waking up. This dream didn't have anything funny, and there was no happy ending.

It's easy to figure out that the lack of a bikini top indicated my feeling of vulnerability.

During the scene of what happened at "home," I had a flash of what really happened between me and J. I think I even wanted to mention that in the dream, but it never happened.

When I think about the next part -- asking Yubo why he would choose her over me, and then realizing myself -- I get scared. I still have a lot of fears of Yubo really wanting to leave me because of the way I am and the way I act. In the dream, I was throwing a tantrum. I noticed myself as soon as the question left my lips. He'd finally had enough of me... of my stupidity, my childishness, my selfishness.... and he wanted absolutely nothing more to do with me. I'd like to say that I'm much more confident about us irl than in my dreams, but that uncertainty definitely creeps up more than I would care for.

And residual discomfort from that last dream -- I still have no idea why it's her. Not to sound mean in any way, but in my consciousness, what I said to her at the very end of the dream is not true at all. It's not that I think I'm better than she is, or that she's better than I am -- we're two very different people. However, I do know that for some reason, I really do catch myself comparing myself to her. It's like a silent competition that only I am participating in.

In general, I am very confused about what I feel towards her. And I feel like I can't talk to her about this until I can get a better handle on it -- at least enough to better articulate what I'm feeling. I can't bring something up that's so open-ended and may most likely cause an ongoing awkwardness until we can figure out how to resolve it. Why not? I don't know. I just can't. Even with Yubo, I usually won't bring up an issue unless I already have at least some idea of a possible solution to the situation. I suppose I think it's unfair to simply present an issue on its own without already starting that next step towards resolution.

Anyway, it's dreams like this and the other one that make me really wish I knew some sort of dream interpreter.