September 25, 2010

The Dream
We were packing to go to... SYTE camp, I think it was. But this was happening down in Cali and I was packing out of my parents' house. There was a wedding that we were supposed to be at, and I didn't have anything formal, so I went through my mom's stuff to see if I could find anything that could fit me. Apparently I also had a stash of old dresses that I didn't bring up to WA.

I found a black dress that seemed to fit well, and had to rummage through my mom's shoes to find something to match. Instead of packing the dress, I just wore it. I guess we were going to the campsite to get settled and then straight to the wedding. I looked dumb in a fancy dress with my hair not done and no makeup on, but there wasn't anything I could do about it. At one point I was trying to curl my hair with a warm unplugged straightener on the front porch before we left.

When I was running around outside trying to figure some stuff out, I found myself in a white dress, very similar to what I wore for the WA reception, except it had a layer of white chiffon sewn over the skirt. I enjoyed the added movement the chiffon gave the skirt, and was running and doing very beginner leaps (legs not straight, and not very open).

Then I went back to fuss over shoes. When I finally settled on something and went towards the car, it left without me. There was another car still there, but I went back inside the house.

I was upstairs, and my dad was talking to the rest of the family downstairs. He said loud enough for me to hear something about how he's waiting for this family to be split because of different beliefs. Something came up about being a hypocrite. I told him that I really wanted to talk to him about hypocrisy, and he said he wanted to talk about... something strange that I didn't hear very well.

I went downstairs. Something was making my mom feel unwell, so we used that as an excuse to not go to the wedding. I guess we all didn't want to go in the first place. I think we all forgot about SYTE camp. So we sat on the couches and watched a movie.

My sister and I were sitting on either side of my dad, and he was happy to be surrounded by his daughters. Zenia was sitting next to my sister, and my mom had the loveseat to herself.

I wanted to talk to my dad about Christianity, but Zenia asked me a question before I could start. It was something about which song from which band was more hardcore or something weird like that. I guess they were talking about music before I sat down with them. I told them my opinion, and Zenia pointed out that my mom liked the song that I said was more hardcore, and we thought it was funny that my mom would listen to music like that.

Don't remember what happened then, but at some point it lead to talking about Christianity, and Zenia kept asking a bunch of questions and actually was being very hostile about the topic. My sister was actually trying to get her to calm down because she didn't like how Zenia was talking to me. But I took it well, and did my best to answer her questions. However, if I took to long thinking on how to answer a question, she jumped at the chance to say bad things about Christianity (I suppose because she didn't want to say anything bad about me directly...?). My dad leaned forward so that we were talking behind him as he tried to go back to watching the movie.

I think I left the dream as I was trying to explain how I could listen to... Linkin Park... or something like that.

My Thoughts
I'm not sure what to say about the wedding and SYTE camp, so I'll skip that stuff.

I really want to share my faith with my family, but I've been so scared about it. My mom has been fine with me talking about it, but I don't think she's really listening to me. I think she's just been humoring me a bit. My sister can get a little defensive, but we've never really had a good setting to talk. Over the phone is not good, and she's always very busy when I visit. I know she has the ability to listen to me openly, but I'm not sure if she wants to at this point. And my dad is a whole other thing. When I brought up that I was interested in Christianity (before I became a Christian), he didn't seem to like the idea very much. But he lets me think for myself. Overall, I think I really am a little scared to try and share my faith with my family. It's another thing that I can't seem to completely trust God with (which is dumb, I know). With my grandparents aging, their memory slipping, and my grandmother's condition getting worse, I want them to go to heaven. I pray for them from time to time, but perhaps that should be higher up on my prayer list that I should pray daily.

I think Zenia is the antagonist in this dream because I'm confused about how I feel about her.

I went from not caring that my sister is a lesbian to being torn about it. The rough start my sister had with Z already gave me a bad impression, so I didn't like her at all at the beginning. However, I have to recognize that my sister is now the happiest I've ever seen her, she's clean from drugs, she doesn't seem to get drunk quite so often, and as far as I know, she no longer smokes. Z's tough love has really straightened her out.

But Z's strong personality can clash with mine sometimes. It's like how I am with Joe, Yubo's best friend. With both of them, I can appreciate how brashly honest they are, but it can still rub me wrong.

I suppose where I stand now with my sister's relationship with Z is that I recognize it as love and not lust. I also recognize that there are many homosexual relationships that are strong and full of love and not dirty in the least. I also recognize that there are some straight relationships that are horrible and full of sin. So I seem to have my certainty in case by case situations, and what keeps me confused is where I am completely.