Mon, Jul. 31st, 2006, 04:09 am

 Yeah.. I'm up pretty damn early...

We actually went to sleep at around 2:30ish. I just woke up from a really disturbing dream a while ago. A while ago before this post because I was stuck in bed, sobbing... just racking sobs...
Neko will notice that I called his phone twice. When he didn't pick up, I called my sister, who picked up her phone and talked to me. I needed to hear another voice.
The reason I had to call someone was because Yubo wouldn't wake up.. and in his sleep, he actually pulled his arm away twice. So I gripped his arm.. so hard and so long that my hand started throbbing.. and I cried and cried... and all this time, he didn't wake up.
The moment I felt I could release him without breaking down even further, I rolled over as quick as I could and fumbled for my phone. Noticed the battery was about to die.. fished for my charger. While the phone charged, called Neko. When he didn't pick up, called the sissyter.
I'm sooo thankful that she picked up. Just hearing her voice, only half listening to what she was saying.. it calmed me, though what she was saying was a good distraction from what I was feeling. Changing topics from the dream. It was good.

So right now, I'm up with all the lights on, trying to calm myself further. Drinking my favorite Vitamin Water flavor: Revive.

I've never woken up so terrified of a dream, though I don't think it was the dream itself. I think it was Yubo not waking up and pulling away that actually set me off. I felt alone and scared out of my mind, and he was right there next to me.. but he wasn't there for me.
I was actually scared I was going to hyperventilate. I just couldn't calm down.
The fits are actually trying to start up again.. I feel little spurts of them, but I can breathe them off.

The dream was kinda about work at Fry's. But the role of Ramin was, for some reason, played by Memo (a guy I met in college). I was asking him to give me something to do, and he was about to turn the water hose on me. I charged at him, telling him to do it if he dared. So he dared, and he blasted me with water, but I stood my ground and I fought him. At one point, he was at my back with water blasting down on my head, and I was biting into.. that spot where your thumb turns into your first finger. The meat gave way, but the skin didn't break. Only then did I run away, and I had to prompt Yubo (who was there for whatever reason) to call the cops. I was able to give him the address we were at calmly, which I think was just our apartment address. I woke up soon after that.

The dream before that, we were at some party. A girl invited us to an orgy? But there was only one guy, and the hostess was having him all to herself. The rest of the women just played with themselves. There was one girl, white, blonde, kinda tall, that wasn't doing anything. So I asked her, in a friendly way, "What's up?" So she took me out of the room to talk with me privately.. confide in me something. We went to the back porch, and she told me something about her eyebrows...? We went back into the house, so I could find some light to see her in, but I couldn't find her. There were three entrances to the house, and for some reason, we took different entrances. I heard that she ran off, thinking that I deserted her and thought of her the way everyone else did. So I tried to track her down to tell her the truth. Got on bikes to follow her.. me and Yubo. I spotted her running out into a field. So we finally caught up to her, though Yubo didn't use the bike. And I told her the truth, and she felt better.
Then there was something about growing eggs? and lots of traveling by this blue bus. We were waiting for bus #690 (of course, I'm a pervert even in my dreams.. especially after a pseudo-orgy). There were some officials, a guy and a girl, at the bus stop too, and Yubo sat with them with a map to figure out which way to really go, cuz the directions we got were from some random local. So he sat and smoked with them, and went over the map. The guy actually took the cigarette from Yubo, even though it was almost done, and smoked from that, even though his partner's cig was only half done. ::shrugs::

Then the weirdo dream. Then the waking up, crying.

All of that in less than two hours of sleep.

I think I'm just gonna finish of this bottle of Vitamin Water before I go back to bed. I think by then I should be good to sleep again. I'll read Neko's journal as a bedtime story, since I didn't get to talk to him. Haha.

---
My Thoughts
As I was going through my dj to pull these dream entries, I was wondering where this dream was. So I'm probably missing some other dreams that I didn't label as dream entries in the title. Oh well.

I still remember this horrifying dream. It left such a... scar, I want to say. Again, it was mostly because I felt Yubo wasn't there for me when I really needed him. I was disgusted by what happened in the dream... it wasn't like I actually bit off any flesh into my mouth, but I really felt my teeth sink in.

It was a long time before I told Yubo what happened. I didn't want to make him feel bad since he wasn't at fault. I recall not really being able to put much effort into waking him. I was nearly paralyzed with fear, and all I could do was cry. I couldn't even say anything to try to wake him. I guess it hurt that even crying as loudly as I thought I was couldn't wake him.

And... yeah. Not much to say about that pseudo-orgy dream.

Tue, Jul. 24th, 2007, 01:33 pm

The Dream
Highlights of this dream that made it so upsetting:

I was messing around with a guy that seemed to be a combination of all my previous serious boyfriends. At the end of it, I remember feeling so much guilt. I even turned to the guy and cried and told him that I swore never to cheat on Yubo.

Some stuff happened here but I don't remember.

Yubo and I were in a store with our kids (o.o) and one set of our parents. In some random aisle we get into an argument. Starts off about him mad at me for some rude thing I said in the car on the way over to the store. I supposedly asked him with a lot of attitude, "Can you just stop the car now?" I asked him what I was supposed to say, and he said, "I don't know. Something like nicely asking where we're going??" In my head, I thought I can't tell him that I don't trust him with directions... or something like that. The argument escalates, and I yelled something back at him. Then he said, "Why are you yelling at me?!?" And I said, "I'm not yelling at you!" I tried to calm down and asked, "Can't I yell when I'm frustrated and upset?" or something like that. It went on, and I remember thinking that we shouldn't fight in front of the kids. But it got worse, and I slumped to the floor crying. Then something something.. and I told them all "Bye" and ran off. He said, bored, "See you later," assuming I'd actually be back.
So I ran out of the store and past the window where I thought they would see that I was actually running away.

Some really unimportant random stuff happened here while I was running.

Then super random stuff that usually happens in my dreams, this time involving some creature that was a combination of ET, Gollum, and a gremlin. o.0 Also something with Harry Potter with some sort of mullet and blue streaks in his hair.

Backstage of some Ynez auditorium, I was talking with some other people. The size of the backstage area was a lot bigger than it really is. Anyway, some girl was talking about love, and said something like, "Love doesn't lie." I laughed at her, and told her, "Love lies. If you believe it doesn't, then you've never really been in love before." She left in a huff, not wanting to believe me. She passed by this other girl on the way out who was sitting down, and she gave me this look that she understood just as well as I did about love. I watched the other girl as she left with a very sad feeling for her. I guess the second girl was telling the first girl about a situation, and the first girl was trying to tell her that wasn't love.. or something.

Anyway... so those three things left me with this awful feeling when I woke up: I cheated on him, I left him and our family, and I had that opinion of love.

---
My Thoughts
I think I really would be very devastated if I cheated on Yubo. I always joke that if I wanted to cheat on Yubo, I'd have to cheat on him with him. But that is true, to an extent. I feel I'm finally with the one I really wanted to be with all this time, so there's no need to cheat. Strange reasoning, but it makes sense to me.

The fight was interesting. There are a lot of times when I feel frustrated, but I'm usually the only one to raise my voice and break down. Because he shuts down when faced with conflict, sometimes I get the impression that he doesn't really care. And the running away, and his feeling like there's nothing to worry about because he "knows" I'll be back is very realistic. I don't know about those kids though... o.o;;

And when considering that, "Love lies," I would still agree with it. "Deception of the heart," I suppose. Or just blind love, and not in a good way.

Fri, Jun. 15th, 2007, 02:54 pm

The Dream
I had a rather unsettling dream this morning. Unsettling because there was so much emotion that when I woke up my chest felt really tight with it.

It started off normal enough... as normal as my random dreams go. Was at Ynez and going to class in one of the bungalows. I walked into the class and realized that I couldn't remember where I was supposed to sit. There were notes on the desks, but none of them had a name, so I couldn't figure out where to sit from that. Someone told me to ask my boyfriend, and maybe he would remember. So I went over to Johnny, and asked him where I was supposed to sit. Told him I couldn't remember if it was assigned seating, or if we could just sit anywhere. The teacher came in, and I panicked. But then an alarm sounded, and so we all rushed out of the classroom. A couple of us were suddenly in roller skates.. or like.. those roller shoes. We were helping get everyone to where they needed to go. We were supposed to go to section 3, or something. As we were all headed that way, I noticed where the smoke was coming from. We overheard a girl from another class saying something about another boy. I pushed Johnny away from me, and told him to go. With a nod, he skated back towards the smoke to probably save whatever boy that girl was talking about.
Finally got to section 3... and everyone just waited, or checked to make sure everyone else was okai. After a good while, a group of kids joined us. I guess they were the ones that were left behind or something. But they got to us, safe and sound. A lot of the other kids rushed to them and checked to see if they were okai. None of them were hurt. Until that moment, I didn't really feel anything. And then I saw Johnny skate up to some sort of wooden rail, and he was searching for me. I was staring at him the whole time with this overwhelming sense of relief that he was okai. He finally spotted me, and with a big smile, jumped over the rail and came to me. We embraced, and I cried.. and then he whispered something like, "Will you come with me?" in my ear, and I just nodded.

The dream ended there. When I woke up, I felt like wiping tears from my face, but there weren't any. My chest was tight and it was a little hard to breath.

Really weird... I wonder if it means anything.

---
My Thoughts
To be honest, the relationship I had with Johnny wasn't the greatest. We were young -- 7th, 8th, and a little bit of 9th grade -- and didn't know what we were doing. Everyone thought we were going to be great because we were childhood friends. But he was the first significant romantic relationship in my life, so that's probably why he often returns as my boyfriend in my dreams.

Mon, Feb. 12th, 2007, 01:56 pm

Dumbest dream ever...

...but it made me feel wretched and I couldn't stop crying. I don't remember all of it, because when I woke up I tried really hard not to think about it so I could stop crying. So here's my best recap:

There was this race, or something. One of the parties cheated, and so I took it upon myself to punish them. Something about cheese. I took their stack of sliced cheddar cheese. I went up a bunch of stairs, clearing the path of things that would stop the fall, but keeping the things that would add more damage, like rocks. The stairs were those ones where you step up, then walk a little bit before you get to the next step up. And it curved.
Anyway, the family of the cheese kept putting stuff in the way, and I kept yelling at them to move it to the side. Finally I got to where I wanted to start. I looked down, and the stairs went down and curved to the left. I split the stack of cheese in half, and threw one half down. It rolled pretty well, and hit a good amount of stuff, good damage, until it got to the curve. It kept going straight, and fell off the stairs. I started laughing, saying that was a decent amount of damage. But it had to get to the bottom of the stairs so that the family could learn their lesson, or something. So I threw the other half down. That one almost made it to the bottom, but again, fell off the side. It really wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't what I was supposed to do.
As I walked down the stairs, everyone was cheering and laughing. But I walked over to the tent where the family was set up. It was a cheesey twisty snack tent. There were two kids standing at the entrance to the tent. They were short and blonde. They looked really sad.. for me. Then they went inside. The mother came around the side. She was big, and her hair looked like cheesey twisty snacks, tied up on either side of her head. I started to apologize to her, but she stopped me. She asked if she could just write it out, and I told her it wouldn't be hard enough for me to read it than it would be to hear it from her now. But she walked off. The dad came by and I started apologizing to him, but he stopped me too. Then he started talking about the family. Like, the cheese would've been Angelo. It would've been born as a boy in the family.
I started crying, and kept apologizing. Then they brought out pictures, but they were on a big sheet, perforated, so each one could be torn off. They were telling me who was in each picture. "This is -so-and-so-, on my side," the mother would say, "and her -something- will be your brother." And on like that, showing me who would be my brother. And I kept crying. I felt so bad.

I think that's where I woke up. I wasn't crying as hard as I was in the dream, but I was gasping air like I was.

Anyway.. yeah. Dumbest dream ever, but it made me cry. ::shrugs::

---
My Thoughts
I have absolutely no idea..... 

Sat, Jan. 20th, 2007, 12:26 pm

The Dream
Huge room with tons of people. We were all sitting in chairs, girls facing guys, but kinda set in a circle. Girls were drawing names out of a hat. This was supposed to be the guy we would go on a date with. I drew one, but the girl holding the hat gave me another crumpled piece of paper... like a second choice, or something. And she just smiled knowingly at me. I opened up the paper from the hat, and it had a boy's name, then the name of the girl he was hoping to be with. It wasn't me, and I wasn't interested in the guy anyway. The crumpled up paper was Pochin, and it said he wanted to be with me. The girls next to me asked why I got two, and I told them the crumpled one was just a note from someone.
Then we were at a supermarket. Like a glorified Rite Aid, actually. I was in one of my sleeping gowns (that Yubo calls a muumuu), and everyone else was is pretty dresses or skirts. I felt ugly. Whatever girlfriend I was with said I looked fine. So we went into the store, and they had closed it just for us. Then I realized that I only brought a travel hair brush, and lip gloss, and maybe my wallet (I don't remember). For whatever reason, I forgot my purse, but I didn't go back to the car. All the girls waited in a semi-circle around the front doors. And the guys would come in, and pick the girl they wanted, and then they'd go off. I was hoping to get Pochin, so each guy that came through, I prayed he wouldn't pick me. Then Wakko comes running through the door with a big smile on his face and he grabs me around the waist and spins me. I can't help but smile, even though I'm a little disappointed that it wasn't Pochin. But I was still happy with Wakko because he's such a good friend. He said he picked me because he can't dance well but I would understand. So we danced up this big ramp in a psycho version of a waltz, but we were having tons of fun. By the time we got to the landing at the top of the ramp, we were suddenly Sakura and Syaoran. o.0???
And the rest of the dream was uneventful. Something about renting a bag to put my stuff in.

---
My Thoughts
I will admit that my attraction to Pochin is the farthest I've ever gone in the way of "cradle robbing," even though we never dated. He is quite the stud, so it's no surprise to me to have him in a dream in this way.

Dreaming about Wakko is an interesting thing to read about -- I mean, I don't particularly remember this dream at all. Wakko (the nickname came from Animaniacs in 4th grade and it stuck -- he still calls me Dot, and we do have a Yakko) and I have never made any deep connections in our friendship. We never confided in each other about anything, but knew that we would always be there for each other in a sibling kind of way.

What's funny is that in the dream he said he couldn't dance, but he was on dance team senior year in high school and did pretty well. Reading about this dream makes me wish we did connect on a deeper level, but I don't really regret anything. I know that we still maintain our sibling-ish friendship despite being so disconnected now.

And I love how cosplay still has to creep into my dream somehow. LoL.

Thu, Jan. 18th, 2007, 02:18 pm

The Dream
A bunch of us were on the front lawn of some big college place. Looked like the front lawn of Keppel, but slightly different. Anyway, there was a big gathering of all our friends.. er.. all other people's friends because I didn't know most of them... and I was walking around with Annie Tse and Leeroy, talking about some issues Annie was having and trying to give her advice. So we walked around to a hallway or something, and someone was calling Annie and she tried to ignore it, but eventually turned around. This person, forgot who it was, told Annie that she had to go do an interview for some newspaper. So Leeroy and I teased her about being all popular and important. She ran off to the interview, and we kept walking. Our hands brushed, and I actually took his hand. My hand was on top though. I note it because that's weird to me. I never do that with a guy. Anyway, took his hand. Thought it'd be okai since I consider him a brother. We walked through these glass double-doors and the floor was really slippery for some reason. People were slipping and falling, or skating and having fun. I slipped a little bit, but Leeroy kept my hand and held me up. Then we skated through. Some frat boys, friends of his, started teasing him about me. He tried to get me to spin and have fun (with one hand gripping mine and the other trying to lift me from my butt o.0;;), but we were already on regular floor. We kept walking through this lounge place, and I wrapped his arms around my waist as we walked through the door that lead outside. I kept thinking it would've been nice if I didn't consider him a brother.
We walked back to our group and let go of each other. I think in the dream, I was still with Johnny, and I didn't want him to see me in Leeroy's arm. When we got there, a lot of people were gone. I asked why they couldn't compress closer to the door so we wouldn't have had to walk so far. Wakko said something about them trying but it didn't work. Then I saw a line of girls, 7 or 9 of them. Half were dressed in white fabric all twisted up like college attempts at Greek fashion, and the other half in Tahitian grass skirts that came up to their armpits and huge banana leaf headdresses. They were attempting a Tahitian dance in front of a long line of other women. I spotted my sister as one of the "Greek" ones. They started shaking their hips, and I told the people around me how hard that really is. Then the long line of girls started chasing the 7 or 9 pledges, and I sighed disapprovingly that my sister was trying out for a sorority again. I noted that she never met good people in those things.
I believe I woke up after that, feeling rather confused.

---
My Thoughts
I don't know if I've had Leeroy in a dream before this, but just in case, I'll clarify who he is. His real name is Jeff, and I do consider him a godbrother of sorts. We were really close towards the end of high school, but don't really make much effort to keep in touch nowadays.

I also don't think my sister was ever in a sorority. Maybe she was in Shoshoni in high school???? I don't know if that's true. As far as I know, she never did that kind of stuff outside being in show choir.

Thu, Nov. 30th, 2006, 11:39 am

The Dream
Mi-chan was over, just hanging out. Somehow, I was lying back on my bed, and she was resting on top of me, but she was my cat. And I thought it was really cute so I tried to take a picture of it. Then she wanted a more "exciting" picture, so she opened her mouth and stuck her tongue out towards me. I laughed, and did the same, but then our tongues touched and she freaked out. Then started explaining something about how she didn't know why she did that something something wanted attention. I told her something about how I understood.. something something.. Asian families tend to make you like that unless your parents are totally white-washed... like the Noboris. o.0 But I guess they kinda are.. ^^;;
So we got up to leave the apartment. I was saying something about the snow, but it was raining hard instead. But the rain was warm. And it was falling horizontally.. er.. so I guess it wasn't falling... But I said something like, "It's like Hawaii rain. I love Hawaii rain!" because of it being warm. And I held my hand up like you do to let someone punch it, and the rain was hitting my hand, but not really my face. I wanted to get my camera to take a picture, so I tried running back to the apartment, but there were a bunch of potholes everywhere that filled with water and mud. I kept slipping, and realized that we'd gone farther away from the house than I'd thought. Suddenly there was a visible gust of wind, and I had to brace myself against a fence. A big whoosh of water flowed towards us, but when it got to us, it wasn't so bad. I did climb the fence a bit, though, because I saw more coming. When you looked towards the horizon, waves rose up and up. They came crashing down like at the beach, except the water actually flowed around us and stayed. It didn't really draw back. I was looking out over the water, clinging to the fence, screaming her name. I couldn't see her. The bag she was carrying with her stuff in it was floating around, all the contents scattered in the water. For some reason, the Tofu plushie I got that I put the 'S' hat on (my mom sent me a cap with an 'S' on the front to give to Yubo) floated over to me. I grabbed it, and all the other stuff floated to me. I grabbed the big bag she was carrying and tried to stuff everything back in. Then I saw her head break surface, and I kept screaming for her. I kept thinking I wanted to jump in and save her, but I knew I couldn't swim. And then I think the dream ended.

Then I was just sitting around before I was transported to another world.. parallel or something. It was me and three others. We had to complete a mission or we couldn't get out. We found a place that had our names on the mail box, so we figured this was the living arrangement set up for us. I remember catching a glimpse of a display case that had a poster of school dates and my name on it.. it was like my schedule of classes that I was supposed to take.. to go to school in this world and pretend like we belonged. We rushed up to find our room, but for some reason, no one cared to look at what number our room was.. just that it was in this building. So we went up three flights, didn't see anything promising, went down a flight and went through a door. It led into a library, and we met up with a bunch of people. We sat there and chatted at a lounge area.. couches and a coffee table.. and the couches were filled with people sitting shoulder to shoulder. Then someone brought out some demo CDs of their band or something, and passed them out. Then a small group of girls came up and brought out their demo CD to pass out, though it was $.80. Everyone was jumping over themselves and yelling to try to get one. I hushed them, reminding them that we were in a library. I could hear the murmurs of how we were disrupting the work at other tables. Yubo grabbed one, and said he paid for it already. For some reason I was bothered that he bought something like this without passing it by me first, but I gave in and bought my own. I dug into my wallet and fished out a bunch of dimes, and for some reason, it was hard to count out 8. I had to do it a couple of times, but finally managed.
When they left with their money collected, us at the table started talking again. Something about Mary Kay, and that other than me, there were two more that the group knew. So everyone was kinda torn between who to go to for their MK needs. Although the group didn't know I was a consultant until I told them.
And I don't remember much after that.

---
My Thoughts
I suspect the Mi-chan in this dream is my friend Lisa, and not Yubo's younger cousin. I seem to also have a few very memorable flood dreams, although this isn't one of them.