August 10, 2010

I don't want to get too caught up in these old dreams that I forget this most important one that started this whole blog. So I'll share this dream before I get back to logging the remainder of my past dreams. I seem to have quite a few more from 2005 and 2006.

When thinking of dreams that are trying to tell me something, this dream will probably come up from now on.

The Dream
I dreamt that I was collecting a number of demons that I had to exorcise. I think I had to capture 12 of them. I trapped them in my garage using a bunch of wards. I left them in there to fight amongst themselves to save me the trouble of having to kill them myself. The way that I harmed them was reciting a horribly butchered John 3:16 and reading out of the Bible to them. I can easily attribute this form of "exorcism" to watching an anime called Ghosthunt.

At one point, there was a lion that slashed the neck of a tiger. The tiger was running around with blood spurting everywhere. It got all over me, and I was strangely not weirded out by that. At that moment, though, a lady came to visit the house much sooner than she was supposed to. I rushed around to get cleaned up before she could see me covered in blood.

Time passed with insignificant events, and I was left with three demons: a chicken, the lion, and one that looked like the many bishies (bishounen = pretty boy) I love from manga and anime. I had to put extra wards on the bishie so that he wouldn't escape. I was also left with a strange white wispy female figure that I can only think of as a ghost of some sort.

I woke up with the image of the wispy making me feel uneasy.

My Thoughts
I couldn't get back to sleep, so I ended up trying to calm myself with prayer, reading the Bible, listening to worship/praise songs, and talking to Yubo for a bit.

I was so tired, so I really wanted to get back to sleep without fear. I finally managed by cuddling with Tifa.

The dream in general was so troubling to me. I kept wondering what it could mean. When I was talking to Yubo, I told him I thought God was using this dream to uncover some things that I need to bring to light. Thinking in that sense, the bishie is obviously a representation of my struggle with lust. But I couldn't figure out what the chicken and the lion were. I'm also still extremely troubled by the wispy.

Going to bed last night revealed to me that the chicken may represent my fears, and the lion some sort of pride. I can't tell if the wispy is supposed to be good or bad. I think bad because I continue to have an uneasy feeling about it. It could be the ultimate representation of what I fear, perhaps. Simply thinking of it and writing about it now makes me uneasy.

Lust, pride and fear. Things that many people struggle with. Easily things that I know God wants me to work on. In my dream, the chicken was trying to escape and almost got away. I grabbed it by the neck and tossed it back into the garage.

With the chicken and the wispy ending my dream, that's probably what I should work on first? I need to trust in God and know that He is protecting me. However, protection doesn't mean keeping me in a safe bubble. So I have to face my fears head on, knowing that Jesus is beside me and supporting me. He's not there to fight my battles for me and let me take an easy road. It's tough to think about though. Even though I don't want to be in fear all the time anymore, it seems like a better idea to just stay huddled in my corner with my eyes closed and my ears covered and a cat in my arms. I know that's not true though, and I think God's really working on showing that to me.

Before, when I would pray for protection, I could imagine myself in a protective bubble and feel at ease. When I prayed and tried to visualize that this time around, I didn't feel the bubble. I can't hide anymore. I'm scared, but I really need to trust in God.... I can't rely on Yubo, not on Tifa, not on an imaginary bubble. I need God.